life changes.

recently, i've sort of decided that i need to make some life changes. all i ever do is complain about what my life could be like. what's the point in complaining about something unless you plan to change it? why do i constantly remind people that i have been feeling like a worthless person recently without taking the action to alter my path? i apologize to those who have had to listen to me in my prolonged misery, but this feeling has been really hard to break. i feel that my life has taken so many unexpected twists and turns that it's a difficult, if not nearly impossible, task to find the strength to be the person i know i can be. i want to feel strong and confident in myself. i realize that i have never completely believed in who i am, but i need to start seeing the positives more than the negatives. i'm not perfect, but no one is. i have a completely distorted image of myself, physically and mentally, but if i want to fix it, i have to change certain aspects of my life. i need to find a new niche. dance was a part of my life for so long that it consumed my entire soul. i think it's time for my soul to experience something new. i can sit here and blame my inactivity on the fact that i refuse to dance with anyone other than those with whom i feel the most love and comfort emitted, or i can get up and find another way to express myself. don't get me wrong; dance will always be a special part of who i am, but it can no longer define me. the familiar phrase, "once a dancer, always a dancer," comes to mind as i say these words, and i'm not denying that my heart yearns to eat, sleep, and breathe dance. all i'm saying is that i think it's time for me to step back and look at myself from different perspectives. i need to see the type of person i can become without dance. it will still incorporate itself into my life because i feel that i need it for my own sanity and stability, but i do need to go out and discover that it is not the only way for me to find happiness. happiness should be with me wherever i go; i shouldn't have to discover it through a separate entity, and i think that has been my problem. it's time for me to find strength from within and stop relying on outside forces to create the satisfaction i feel with life.

 have yourself a merry little christmas....(2005)

it's a little late, but these are some pictures from christmas eve and christmas day i spent with my family. christmas eve i had to work a horribly long, busy shift and didn't wind up getting to be with my family until almost 7:30 PM. CRAZY TIMES! anyway, enjoy the pictures..i mostly posted them for family, but that doesn't mean others can't take a looksie

this is my mommy opening some presents. the first one is "memoirs of a geisha," a.k.a. "i love geisha," "geisha van dyke," or "how the geisha stole christmas." hahaaaaaaa...

my sister and i are silly...so are my mom and my doggie.

the following pictures may shock you, please you, or just make you laugh..either way, enjoy the many faces of the harrington sisters.

my nonie and 2 year-old cousin, hailey

isn't she precious? i lovey dovey this little one.

cousins mike and hailey being oh so adorable. amy and caitlin tried to top them with a kodak moment..

hahahahahaha...and that's all i have to say. oh and tigger says hello to pooh on my head.

you can be excited about christmas presents at any age..

we're mischievous kids.

mike and his girlfriend, lisa. do we recognize them as the sailor and sailorette from my birthday party?

i have no comments for these pictures. they speak for themselves.

cousin brian with the sisters.

not a bad lookin' family, huh? haha! aww look at the precious moment between mike and hailey (again).

did i ever tell you my family was on a football team? we are so hot.

ok so hailey is obviously the cutest...

ok here's the last picture...i love my family.

hope everyone had a happy, safe, and wonderful christmas and start to the new year. love you guys!!

i know his intentions were good, but he went about solving this "problem" in the wrong way. threatening me is not going to fix anything. it's only going to make everything more awkward. how am i supposed to go and visit my friend when i don't feel comfortable being in the same room as her boyfriend? and what am i supposed to do if i can't get people to come for a visit with me? just let him take my friend away? he's being totally childish, especially telling me he has people i "don't even know about" backing him up. it sounds more like he hired a gang to jump me than anything else. i know she's been hurt because no one has come to visit, but we have extremely busy lives to deal with. i'm sure her life is no different. we all have jobs, school, families, and other issues to deal with. it's really hard to find time to visit anyone, especially those who are far away. it's not like we don't care or don't want to visit, it's just freakin' HARD! she's only been to visit us once, but it's easier for her to come here to visit because she has family in san jose. and as for the whole "i'm tired of people making plans with her and then breaking them" concept, it's ridiculous! first of all, i was called on christmas day at 10:45 PM as i was driving home from millbrae to see if i could stop by fremont for a visit with her. i told her i had to ask my sister since it was her car and she had to get up early in the morning. then, i realized fremont would be an extra half hour trip because we were coming from san francisco area. my sister wouldn't have been to bed until really late and she had to work in the morning. she didn't want to take the trip, so i called and said that we would have to visit another time. she seemed fine with it. she also asked me to come up on new year's eve. i said i would go to work that day and try to request that evening off so that i could spend a couple days visiting her. when i got to work, the request off pages for new year's were already gone and before i knew it, i was working new year's day. NOT MY FAULT! no one can cover my shift, either, because they are all busy on new year's day. and now, i'm going to be reprimanded if i don't show up for their party on new year's eve. some boyfriend she has...telling me that he's going to cut off any contact she has with me if i don't see her that night. RIDICULOUS. that's all it is. FLIPPING RIDICULOUS. i can't please anyone, i swear. apparently now, i'm a bad friend. nevermind all the crap she put me through or how much she has hurt me before. i've gotten past all that and been able to forgive her because i love her unconditionally. nevermind that i haven't seen jamie since october. it doesn't matter because jamie doesn't live 2 hours away. since she doesn't live 2 hours away, she has no cause for complaint because we always have the OPTION of seeing one another. BULLSHIT. jamie and i never get to see each other because we never have the same days off. does that mean i don't care about her or that she doesn't care about me?? NO! we know that we're still friends. nevermind that i hadn't seen maria for a few months before her birthday a few days ago. was she angry? NO! because she knows we are both freakin' busy and it's hard to see each other now that we're basically totally independent adults. why is it so freakin' different just because someone lives 2 hours away? why am i a bad person just because it's hard for me to get time off to travel that distance to see my friend? it's not like i don't want to! i DO! and i'm not mad at her...i'm upset that HE made such a stink about everything. i was going to drive up there tonight if it hadn't been for his cruel letter. now i feel like if i don't find time to see her really soon, he's going to cut me off from one of my best friends! great guy, huh? and how am i supposed to go visit when he freakin' HATES me???? "welcome to our home, nicole. i hope you find the DUNGEON  to be comfortable" crimeny.

as avril lavigne would say..

why'd you have to go and make things so complicated???

whoever said, "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" was completely and utterly WRONG. keeping enemies close is the worst decision i have ever made. i'm through giving people chances. i have been so blind to the fact that certain individuals in the world take my empathetic demeanor for granted; they use me and abuse me, making me feel like crap with their ludicrous accusations..and that is why i have learned that some people...

are not meant to be my friends.

can't be trusted.

are manipulative assholes.

cannot be a part of my life.

make me want to laugh, cry, and scream all at once.

make me feel like a princess.

make me feel worthless.

create unwanted drama and stress in my life.

are not worth second chances.

are not worth third chances.

are not worth anything.

are nothing to me.

and this all makes me sad...i don't like to have enemies. i know not everyone is going to like me as a person, but i like to at least be able to tolerate or behave in a civilized manner with anyone i meet. i don't like having to walk on eggshells because, around me, they are already cracked or on their way to breaking. simplicity is clearly lacking from my life...and winter break will be my sanctuary from the world.

rest and relaxation are needed.

maybe some fun times...

a little less drama...

and the friends who will be with me until the day i die.

that's what i need right now...

most of you have no idea what i'm talking about. some of you might be able to guess given our previous conversations on the issue. no matter what your reasoning for reading this, i appreciate you letting me vent, and i thank you for not judging me.

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